Ramanujan Redux

Well, 21 came and passed. Expecting some wild stories?

Naturally, I’m expecting big things to happen. I had been changing a lot for the better over the past few weeks and months, so the hammer has to drop. It has to. I haven’t been doing all these changes just to get myself angry.

So I go out to a local party with friends last night, thinking that perhaps tonight might be my night. I’ve been feeling stronger, better, more confident than I ever was in the previous years of adolescence. All of this has to pay off dividends at some point, doesn’t it? Why not at the turning point from into adulthood?

So I’m casually surveying the scene, looking for someone who would be willing to share this glorious occasion…and catch the eye of one particular girl. Her face seems familiar (perhaps we’ve met before?) as she gives me the look. You know, that look. The one that says “I want you and I will wait until the end to get what I want.” The first time I’ve ever gotten that look. Jackpot.

I did all the things I dreamt would happen on my first date. My social awkwardness didn’t even seem to matter at the beginning (although it was clear I had no idea what I was doing). We eventually hitched off the party late and went outside into the dark. We walked the hills of the city, sharing flirtatious glances late at night. We stare at the landscape and admire its beauty. I’m practically on a high, hitting all the right notes, acting totally comfortable in my own skin. We lose complete track of time, just enjoying the moments together, alone in the emptiness of the world, save the few random frat fights we seem to run into every few hours, and the fact that the scenery seemed to change from San Francisco to Vienna to Tokyo. Alcohol seems to be my enabler.

So after a long night to remember, we head back to her apartment, open the door, she smiles at me seductively, we walk in, and…

…and then I wake up.

People wonder why I never get any chicks. I guess I’m just too much of a dreamer.

When I go through a struggling phase, people always wonder why exactly it is. You have all this talent don’t you? You’re really smart, can’t you see your way out? Don’t you have the means to dig yourself out of the hole you’re in?

Maybe I do have talent, maybe I don’t. That isn’t the problem that stops me from working. It’s that between all the varying and interesting options available to me, I can’t choose. I get stuck in a rut. I get stuck in classes I’d rather not take. And trapped in activities whose marginal cost has dropped below zero. And the paradox is that you feel obligated to run those commitments out or face the condemnation of your peers–not that it matters in the long run, but you don’t want bad decisions to become bad habits. You enter a sort of decision-making paralysis, where your own mind feels constrained and unable to act.

And the worst part is when you get out of these ruts, find yourself ready to enter a new frontier–and you’re not really sure how to deal with it, and the time starts slipping away. This is the age of the Internet, the information overload. More ‘friends’, more email and IM (the real demons), more social norms and taboos, more meaningless tasks, etc.–all of this puts an inevitable drag on your productivity, your lifestyle, your choices.

So what is the solution? I can’t say I’ve arrived at it yet (and won’t get at it for another month), but there’s one genuine tool I’ve arrived at.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Say you take the task that you enjoy doing the most and you have some experience at it (whether it be writing, problem solving, cooking, whatever). Then pour yourself into it unlike anything else you’ve ever done. Don’t let anything stop you from completing that goal everyday before moving onto the other necessary tasks that have to get done. Put what you desire over everything and it can get accomplished. That is the American spirit–the ability to seize your destiny and to take the risks that’ll get you to where you want to be without ending up in a gutter.

Let go. Focus on the things that you want to work on the most, whether it be a subject, a passion, a sport, dating, whatever. Make your life your career. And don’t let anything stand in your way–not jealous peers, not uncomprehending parents, etc.

This path isn’t for everyone. Some people can work fine in the systems provided for them because they are institutional beings, or they’ve learned how to be hard workers within the system. It has become a lifestyle for them, and this is admirable. But I doubt all people are like this. Some want a way out of the preordained path set for them. You need to assess which path is right for you and make that decision before things get much harder after college and beyond. Otherwise the road becomes difficult, and I’m not the one who can help you.

But as for me? I feel myself inexorably pulled toward following this path rather than fulfilling long-lasting commitments. The world is changing frenetically, and I feel myself changing right along with it.